Oxford, here is your Lord, Savior and Treasure

Let Oxford University embrace him. Gown him. Crown him. Install him...Let the circus shift from Pakistan to the UK.

It is hugely exciting that Imran Khan is in the run for the Chancellorship of  the Oxford University, and that as its chief executive and academic head can potentially run it for a decade. It is THE story to do.

As someone who has done high-risk coverage of events like the Israeli attack on the aid flotilla for the Gazans, life in Indian-occupied Kashmir, and happenings in the badlands of terror across Pakistan and Afghanistan, I can appreciate the worth of this assignment. It is like filming the Hollywood red carpet: entertainment-laden, global-headline grabbing, maximum eyeball yield. Zero pain. Total gain. Matchless editorial intensity, unrivaled public interest and Vogue celebrity cover beating hype. What more can a journalist want.

And then the thrill of it. Just imagine Imran at a podium in a hall brimming with hundreds of world achievers representing 1300 years of academic excellence decorated by almost as many noble laureates as Imran’s highest test score, 136. One noble laureate for one run. What a setting.

But don’t stop there. Imagine also Imran speaking extempore (because he cant read text without inflicting collateral damage on the language it is written in) about hard sciences, fine arts, medicine, economics, peace and literature, using his cricket career to expound on what is wrong with the world and how he has figured out—while running around in the grass—the formula to fix the universe. Turn you thoughts towards the point where the savant starts sharing his life experience as the most successful, the most popular, and the most handsome man since….well, it doesn’t matter; can he cite any date from history.

He will shine light on every path and guide everyone home. To the women lib representatives he would suggest that while they have all the rights, the only way they can protect themselves from rape is ensure that they are adequately dressed since he thinks women’s dress code is what provokes men to do horrible things to them. He will quote his wife Bushra’s life a guide for the women of the world who want to live with dignity. No need for formal education. The world will become your oyster if you keep the faith, divorce your husband, and marry again because you had a dream. That’s how you go about doing your business in a man’s world.

To the men led astray by biased narratives, he would speak about Osama Bin Laden’s martyrdom, Putin’s greatness, the genius of China’s justice system and ofcourse the Taliban value system. He after all is their Taliban Khan. They all love him, including death-to-the-West shouting banned groups, because he holds them as poor victims of the horrors the world visited on them. That is why he was nominated by the TTP to neogtiate with the Pakistani government - the same TTP he later signed a deal with as prime minister and released their cadres from jail with the plan of incorporating them in the society. The same group that the present govt says is playing havoc inside Pakistan now.

As a 9/11 doubter and a master conspiracy theorist he can enlighten the gathering about dark plans of the non-Muslims to topple Muslim greats like him from power and how the Kayi tribe lord Ertugrul Ghazi from the 13 century needs to transmigrate or reincarnate to found another empire like the Ottomans for the Muslims to get even with their tormentors.

He can tell religious historians in the audience about their “poor research” on Jesus, who according to him is not mentioned much on the chronicles of theology. For the geographers, he can reset the global map by joining Japan with Germany.  He can propose Spirituality and Positive Witchcraft as a new department at the University with a special course designed and duly approved by Bushra. The visiting faculty can include Farah Gogi, Malik Riaz and of course General Faiz Hameed. Academically, Oxford would be so much richer for that. He could propose to the economists the realism of poverty eradication through personal poultry farming, egg hatching and cross continental donkey trade.

His thoughtful recommendations on violent agitation would be priceless. How to burn and destroy national monuments, besiege courts, destroy critics, and vandalize institutions, including the BBC, whose Pakistani equivalent, PTV, was successfully stormed by his troopers a decade ago. That would be lovely free advice to the clueless goons of the English Defence League, who just don’t know how to make impactful mayhem.  

Don’t be surprised if he also goes on the tangent of family life and matrimonial challenges, offering the listeners valuable lessons in management of unwanted biological assets from transient emotional investments and how to safely park them in the garage of the Goldsmiths without every owning them.  

For the chronic anti-colonialists, Imran as the Chancellor of Oxford University would be nothing less than sweet but partial revenge for the four centuries of tyranny that the Brits inflicted upon 500 million inhabitants of 35,500,500 kms of occupied territory across the globe. Imran can turn gold into dust at a mere touch. Oxford could go the same way. It could become another Al Qadir Trust University.

But I wish no such ill upon this great seat of learning that I genuinely admire and where some of my best friends teach (well except one). I am only keen on reporting the mega event that Imran’s selection to the post of Oxford University’s Chancellor would be. And if this requires him and his jinn-commanding wife to come out of jail, I would be the first one to make a pitch to the Establishment that they should let them go. Imran in Oxford with Bushra in toe is a far exciting prospect than their stale tales from the prison cell. Let us get some kicks. Some dopamine hits, goosebumps and thrills. Let Imran walk out of jail. Let Bushra and Jemima unite in the United Kingdom and become one under the towering totem pole they have been holding on from different ends of the world. Let Oxford University embrace him. Gown him. Crown him. Install him. Let us see a spectacle that even J K Rowling couldn’t pen in Deathly Hallows. Let the circus shift from Pakistan to the UK. We have had too much of it. They haven’t had anything since Lady Di died. Please! Open the doors now.